IF the people in government weren't morons, I COULD have faith that the constitution would be upheld

This story feels like it came right out of the Onion.

A couple of guys (who may or may not have been high) placed several light board devices throughout Boston depicting the cute little fellow to the left. The stunt had something to do with the show “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” a late night cartoon on the (you guessed it) Cartoon Network, which appeals to stoners because all the main characters are, well, food products.

The discovery of these devices caused the city of Boston to shut down bridges and a stretch of the Charles River.

Someone should have told them that all they had to do was take the batteries out of the light boards.

However, the City of Boston was not finished overreacting. They tracked down the "evildoers" responsible, arrested them, and charged them under a vague statute forbidding bomb scares.

As reported by CNN, "Assistant Attorney General John Grossman called the light boards "bomb-like" devices and said that if they had been explosive they could have damaged transportation infrastructure in the city."

In case you missed that, the Assistant Attorney General said that "IF they had been explosive, THEY COULD HAVE damaged transportation infrastructure in the city."

Right.

Just like IF they were just lightboards depicting a cartoon character, THEY COULD be completely harmless; or

IF I was a millionare, I COULD sit around watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force smoking cigars all day (well, I guess I could do that anyway, but you get the idea); or

IF I had rockets on my shoes, I COULD fly around the city doing loop de loops; or

IF the Arizona Cardinals didn't suck so much, THEY COULD have gone to the Superbowl; or

IF WE DIDN'T LIVE IN A FREE SOCIETY, THE GOVERNMENT COULD STOP PEOPLE FROM DOING ANYTHING IT DIDN'T LIKE.

(Please leave comments with your own favorite IF scenarios...maybe I'll send the best ones to Assistant Attorney General John Grossman)